Anyone resonate with this? This print is on the wall next to my desk. I bought it as it reminds me of how I used to be. Every day I was putting on the show! From the outside it seemed like I took everything in my stride, always showed up polished and ready for the performance. I glided along like the swan, however under the surface it was a very different story.
I was a newly single mum with a three year old daughter, my world crashing around my ankles, I was dealing with so much on my own and all I could focus on was working hard to keep going.
I had the good ‘safe’ job with the good salary. I worked hard and was promoted more than once. All the while I was waiting on being found out!
I was a people pleaser. I worked every hour I was awake, but never felt like I was getting to the end of the list! My head was spinning so fast that I couldn’t retain anything! However, I didn’t please myself… I was working so much that I withdrew from everything else. Making lots of excuses to friends and I would sometimes be there in body, but not really present. I was exhausted.
I used to really love my job! But with so many changes, nothing was lighting me up! I couldn’t get excited about anything! I had no future goals, no dreams – I didn’t feel like I deserved them! It was the same out of work, I was putting on a performance there too. I felt like I had to, to fit in to any social situation – usually fueled by a few glasses of Sauvignon! Inevitably it rarely ended well! I didn’t think I had much to offer.
I felt trapped. In a never-ending spiral of stress, anxiety and performing, feeling that I had to carry on as it was a ‘good job’ and that is just how life has to be – a bit like having golden handcuffs. I kept my fears hidden as that would be a sign of weakness! I spent years worrying about being judged and looking for validation from other people.
It suddenly hit me when I realised I still had another 27 years to work in that job until I would get my pension – how could I go on for another 27 years feeling like this? How would I feel by then? Would I actually still be alive?! My health was going down hill due to the constant feeling of stress and never having the time to look after me. Jumping in and out of the car and nothing much else in between. Surely there was something else I could do – but my head was too busy to even think about what that could be. Plus, who in their right mind would give up the ‘safe’ job?
The second thing that hit me was that my daughter was about to go into P6 and I felt like I had missed her childhood, as I was always working. She is 14 now and said to me recently, “I don’t really remember spending time with you when I was young, just gran and granddad”. That really hurt! I thought I was doing what was best at the time but looking back now, I can see all the signs of where I could have made manageable changes.
I had forgotten who I was. I had become like a chameleon that changed character to fit into different situations, but actually had lost who the real me was. With the help of a coach, I found me. The sky didn’t actually fall in when I made changes to my life! I realised that I didn’t have to stay stuck and that actually all the answers and guidance I needed were deep inside of me all along.
I had originally trained to become a coach for work, which gave me the opportunity to experience being coached. I truly don’t know where I would be today, if i hadn’t been able to work with a coach on the different areas of my life. So I ended up going back to train as a Transformational Life Coach so I could help others navigate through the sticking points in their lives.
It is never too late to make changes that will transform your life and light you up again.
